


Comedy Podcast

by butterflycaterpillar



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Gang AU, Humor, Multi, drug dealers, haikyuu rarepair, i came from wattpad-, my first fic on ao3 pls be nice i'm scared, terushima is a fucking idiot but what's new, undercover cop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:08:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25316566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/butterflycaterpillar/pseuds/butterflycaterpillar
Summary: “If you were stuck in a room with your best friend’s nan, Hitler and a random homeless guy picked from the streets and the only way to survive was to snog with one of them, who would you pick?” Terushima threw in the conversation whilst taking another sip of cheap wine.“Dude, what the fuck?”---Or Terushima is an undercover cop that poses as a stand up comedian that lives a double life as a drug dealer. But the bastard is bored and decides to make a comedy podcast of what he records at the gang meetings.Daichi is his superior(/senpai) and done with his antics.The concept and main storyline are based on the Netflix special “Repertoire” by James Acaster. I highly recommend watching it if you can because I was laughing the whole time.I hope you enjoy!
Relationships: Sawamura Daichi/Terushima Yuuji, possibly other relationships but we'll see as we go
Kudos: 15





	1. A nan, Hitler or a homeless guy?

Concept and main storyline based on the Netflix special “Repertoire” by James Acaster  
\---

“If you were stuck in a room with your best friend’s nan, Hitler and a random homeless guy picked from the streets and the only way to survive was to snog with one of them, who would you pick?” Terushima threw in the conversation whilst taking another sip of cheap wine. 

“Dude, what the fuck?” 

Kuroo, one of the dealers present at the meeting, cocked his eyebrow at the ridiculous question his fellow drug dealer presented for them. His reaction suggested that he was surprised by the hypothesis but after working with Terushima for a few years now none of the men in the room could say they were genuinely taken back by the comment. If anything, they were surprised by how long it took him to derail the meeting that evening. 

The men in the small room were all dressed relatively fancy. Not enough to stand out once they left the building and had to blend into the crowd outside but enough to look like one of those pretty boys on Instagram your girlfriend would leave you for in a heartbeat. The one dressed in an ochre suit looked particularly serious.

Bokuto, the man just mentioned, had his eyebrows furrowed and looked at Terushima in such a way the average man would spontaneously piss his pants. “I’d snog the grandma.” 

“Bro, you’re kidding me?” Kuroo now looked at him with wide eyes, this time with genuine shock. “Your best friend’s grandma? That’s disgusting!” 

Bokuto shook his head along with his index finger and smirked. “Nah ah, imagine the power you’d have over your friend.” He sipped his glass, not filled with wine but apple juice that resembled the color of a cheap whiskey. “Every time they would act like an annoying twat you could just shut them up by saying you fucked their grandmother. That’s a comeback no one can recover from and you can’t convince me otherwise.” 

“Remind me to never introduce you to my grandparents.” Another man, this one dressed in a light blue outfit, added to the conversation before leaning back into his chair again. Bokuto stuck out his tongue but before he could shoot back with “I’d be an amazing husband to your grandmother.” Kuroo interrupted him with his own theory.

“Okay but imagine snogging Hitler though? You fuck the guy who was, arguably, the most powerful guy of his time and after saving your life with it you shoot him through the skull. That’s what I call a power move. Imagine having that one your resume. ‘Scrambled Hitler’s brain so good in bed that he couldn’t even process you shooting a bullet between his eyes.’”

“Interesting choice.” Terushima nodded with an expression that fit a lawyer about to crumble the opposite party before shooting his infamous smirk. “But who would bottom?” 

Now of all things said that evening Daichi didn’t expect the sentence “Who would bottom?” in the context of one of them fucking Hitler to let hell break loose. But that’s what happened and looking back nothing could’ve prevented that. That’s the price you pay for being business partners with a bunch of man children.  
He sighed and rubbed his temples as he heard the remarks thrown left and right. Most of it consisted of Bokuto moaning in an obnoxiously high-pitched voice screaming one liners from “Hitler senpai!” to “Put it in me, Adolf!” and Terushima egging Kuroo, who was physically restrained from beating a hole through Bokuto’s skull by the much stronger Ushijima, on. All whilst Oikawa had nothing better to do than cackle loudly at the scene in front of him.

Daichi turned to Futakuchi in the hopes of him helping him out with solving whatever this situation was. But by the looks of the sinister smirk on his face Daichi ruled out that from happening and concluded the success of this meeting counted on him.  
So much against his own mood he inhaled a deep breath of air and roared so loudly that it wouldn’t surprise me if the whole neighborhood could listen along. “IF YOU MORONS DON’T STOP THIS BULLSHIT RIGHT THIS SECOND, I WILL SHOVE MY FIST SO FAR UP YOUR ASS ILL BE ABLE TO HAND YOU YOUR INTESTINES TO USE AS A SCARF THROUGH YOUR OWN THROAT.” 

The addressed men all fell quiet. Most of them blinking in shock, all but Terushima. He just stuck out his pierced tongue playfully. “Kinky.” 

The rest of the meeting went as it was supposed to, mainly because from that moment on Daichi was seated next to Terushima and every time the youngest of the two gave even the slightest impression of offering yet another ridiculous dilemma the eldest had him in a chokehold. Needless to say, it kept him pretty silent for the remainder of the evening, besides the obligatory “kinky” every time he was restrained from spreading chaos.

“So, we’ve come to an agreement?” Daichi asked the others, taking some time to scan the faces of all of them. As a growing teen he never expected to end up as an undercover cop between some of the most influential drug dealers of the area. But that’s exactly what he was doing which was why it was ever so important for him as a superior to keep his junior, the chaotic Terushima, in check so that neither of them would blow their cover. 

Ushijima nodded and intertwined his own fingers on top of the table. “You can expect my men at the scene right on time. Futakuchi, looking at our current position it would be most ideal if it were your men who infiltrated to the local police to prevent any possible crashes to happen.” 

The man nodded and like that the final pieces of the meeting were discussed before all seven of them left the Thai restaurant that covered for their headquarters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for giving my fic a shot!  
> I came from wattpad and posting here is quite the change so I hope I'm not messing something up whilst trying to post-
> 
> I hope you like what I've got so far, I'll try my best to update frequently or at least not just once in a blue moon.


	2. Tea sis

Terushima stirred his tea clockwise, something superstitious he copied from his mother as a kid. He wasn’t the biggest tea drinker, he’d rather opt for something cold and refreshing, but Daichi didn’t have many other options at his home.   
He had been slightly surprised when his superior demanded him to come over that morning. He couldn’t really think of a reason why. Sure, he made a mess out of the meeting the day before but that wasn’t out of character. The individual branch of criminals he was involved with hadn’t acted up out of the ordinary and so far, no rumors concerning Terushima nor Daichi had risen to the surface. In short, Terushima didn’t have much to say to his superior besides “Could I get another sugar cube?”

Daichi stared at him over the rim of his glasses and silently handed him the tray with sugar and milk. Despite his gentle exterior Daichi had quite the intimidating aura and he was aware of it. It was hard not to when his junior, who would usually make light out of every situation he was put in, could only sip at his tea nervously. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Daichi eventually broke the silence. He didn’t look away from Terushima once and noticed the slight flinch the younger tried hard to hide. 

“What do you mean?” It was safe to say that by the tone in his voice that Daichi was thoroughly pissed off and Terushima had no ambitions in adding fuel to that anger. Sure, yolo and all that but he preferred to live a little longer. 

Daichi slammed his hand on the table making the tray and teapot to jingle. “I mean, what the hell do you think you’re doing? Look at me when I talk to you.” His lips were pursed into a tight line and his eyes showed that he meant business. “What did you think you were doing at yesterday’s meeting? You’ve been acting so ridiculous the past couple of days.” 

Terushima tried to laugh it off with a cheeky giggle but sadly for him Daichi wasn’t easily fooled. “Aye, Sawamura! It’s fine! I’ve just been trying to get on the good side of them.” Now that wasn’t entirely a lie. For what he had planned he did indeed need to get on the men’s good side and what better way than do it how he did it best. Fucking up had always been his talent. “You know how explosive Bokuto can be! He was getting really tense with the upcoming transfer and we can’t afford him actually paying attention to what we’re doing around them.”   
Terushima gave himself a mental pat on the back for that logic. Maybe he could add using half-truths to his list of talents. 

And seemingly Daichi seemed to buy it. He leaned back into the sofa and nodded. “Makes sense. But you’ve still been too nonchalant. I’d rather you lie back for a while until this big sale is over. They’ll be on the hunt for the traitor after all this over and you’d make a good suspect with how you’re behaving.” 

Terushima nodded reluctantly and took another gulp of his tea. He liked messing around, it was his main tactic in nearly every case he was involved in before and it had worked just fine each time. But right now he could be unwillingly playing with his and Daichi’s lives.   
“I’ll behave.” 

Daichi nodded back at him with a small smile. “Good.” He finished his own cup of tea and stood up. “I suggest you take the backdoor out. “The staff from the Chinese convenience store across the street usually get a new load of smuggled goods around this time and they’d get suspicious if they saw you leave.” 

“Real suspicious that you managed to dick down a pretty boy.” 

“Terushima, I swear to god-“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short lil chappie but I hope it was still enjoyable ^^
> 
> thanks again for taking your time to read! it means the world to me <3  
> oh and if you'd like to say hi or something you can find me on instagram @/jitenshanootokonoko ! :D


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